Recently I’ve made a really big move, abandoning my Houston residency and my New York escapade for a temporary living arrangement with my sick mother. To me this was simple, after all family does come first, but to others this move was a heroine act. I’m constantly being praised for my unselfish, giving, and honorary decision. One might assume that I had the happiest childhood so in turn it was easy for me to come to my mother’s rescue—so not true. While my childhood wasn’t a nightmare on elm street (I really did grow up on elm street) it certainly wasn’t a Mary Poppins adventure either. I made my move because my mother needed me, the same way I needed her when I was a child. Many people grow up and runaway due to dysfunction, but dysfunction does not just lie within your family; dysfunction resides everywhere especially in many work places i.e. our government, our society, and our school districts. The excuse of escaping the crazy dysfunction from your family is so not a good one.
This post is not merely to tell someone to be there for their family when someone falls ill. It’s mainly about being ride or die for your family. Women are ride or die for their “no good” men so why do we consider our family to be so dispensable? Where did we go wrong with all of these split and unbalanced family situations? I have friends that would rather spend Thanksgiving alone than be with their family. Hell, I was practically depressed when I went one Christmas without going home. Now don’t get me wrong, after about four or five days with my family for the holidays, I’m usually ready to bounce, but I won’t deny that I’ll always be there to the rescue, ready to sacrifice for my family. I did say sacrifice and not enable. No I’m not dishing over unnecessary money to a cousin with a shopping habit. Every lesson is meant to be taken with discretion.
I’ll give you a simple and easy first step: Make a mental note to call or text your family at least once a week. Ask how their week has been; what’s new with their job; how your niece and nephew are doing; or what future plans have they been currently working on? Basically, close the lack of communication and support gap. After all, God chose these particular people, with these particular personalities for a reason and God does not make mistakes.
Ask yourself these questions: How have I been towards my family lately? Am I still harboring ill feelings from the past? Can I initiate a truce between myself and a sibling? And most importantly, do they know I love them?
A box is a six sided unit of limited space. A relationship is a multifaceted bond with endless possibilities. Why do we consistently try to put the obviously larger one into the smaller: Fear; Caution; Unrealized Behavior?
After carefully analyzing the behavior of myself (yes I admit to being guilty of this in the past) and a few of my female friends, I’ve come to one conclusion: we live in a box and we rely on that box to produce the miracles that we desire. (Side note: such a shame that a healthy relationship these days has to be considered a miracle lol) How can you limit yourself yet expect grand results? How can you pray for a man yet you won’t even expand your extracurricular activities to broaden your scope? Same grocery store, same circle of friends, same hang outs and yet you consistently complain that there are no men in the city that you live in. Wow! Your city is not comprised of the thirty mile radius of comfort that you shell yourself in. Unless you live in Lost Springs, Wyoming, one of the smallest cities in the US. Get out of that box girlfriend. You want an artistic man: start going to art galleries; you like the CEO type: join a professional organization. You consider this chasing a man…not exactly, it’s called positioning yourself or better yet, it’s called stepping out of your box before your box leads you to being forty and desperate, lessening your standards on the daily. I don’t see any men falling from the sky—especially any black men, so where exactly did you think you would run into one if you’ve already weeded out the areas that you frequent? And what do you have to lose? If a man doesn’t find you in your attempt to broadening your scope, at least you would have experienced things beyond your interest, possibly made some business contacts or met a life-long friend or a traveling buddy. You get my drift? There’s nothing to lose with getting out of your box and if you continue living in that limited space then please don’t complain when you find yourself alone—still…
As I sat watching one of my favorite shows (Gossip Girl) *Don't Judge Me, I'm Diverse* I couldn't help but hang on to the words spoken by Blair to Serena, "Are You Ready To Do What It Takes To Make Him Yours?" Like Really? I'm super tired of watching grown women play games and create schemes to get men to be with them. This may be a fictional television series but by no means is this topic a stranger to the truth. Why? What for? Why do yo feel the need, desire, and will to trick a man into being with you? Let's not mention the women that fight and create hell for the man and ANY new relationship he tries to pursue. I've been there but I can only answer why for my personal situation, I'm hoping the woman that's in these shoes at this very moment contemplates on her *WHY* While I could spend all night venting...I choose the later; I choose to come up with some straight-up to the point reasons why, if he doesn't want you then you should let him be...
#1 I'm assuming you've been down this road before, so did your ticks, games, and craziness bring your last man back--probably not!
#2 Wether you like it or not, this type of behavior hints to some underlying messages: I don't value myself. Are you willing to continue living your life not valuing yourself?
#3 If you continue chasing this man, you're guaranteed to miss your real "knight in shining armor." Are you willing to miss out on meeting the man that will "willingly" love you?
#4 Real love, true love, and everlasting love doesn't come from tricks, games, deceit or lies. Its impossible to coerce someone into loving you. So when you do get him, it'll all be fake and temporary: a faux love. True love is natural and heaven sent. The man that really loves you will fall in love with you effortlessly. All you'll have to do is be yourself.
My advice is simple and practical but for some its a challenge and a new way of thinking. I've been down that road before so I understand the intense desire for you to want your situation to be different then what it is. But, what's meant to be will be and whats not meant to be will not be! Make today your first day of loving yourself and letting go of anything or anyone that causes you to stray from this journey. I made that choice a long time ago and I haven't had an unhealthy relationship since.
Love, Writing and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
I was watching one of my favorite shows this morning, "The View" and they were going hard on romantic comedy movies. According to Sherri Shepherd, romantic comedies just set "regular" women up to think they could actually get a "Tom Cruise" or "Brad Pitt" gorgeous looking man, when in reality those are just false expectations. Well...I'm going to have to disagree with you Sherri. I do think because of it being a movie, there is some kind of exaggerating for entertainment purposes but there is some truth to the average chick meeting a stud. This is how I see it. You have a fine man (LL Cool J, Shannon Brown, and Hill Harper) who knows he's fine and is always told that he's fine. After a while he starts getting fed up with the superficial and shallow women that are after him. Nine times out of ten, these fine men are meeting the "creme of the crop" women, but that can only go so far. If all the women you meet are beautiful, have no brains and live off their looks, then can you imagine what's going to happen when that man starts changing, growing, and no longer desiring the physical attributes of beauty but now has a thirst and a longing for the other side of beauty that he's rarely use to seeing. He's going to look for that regular chick or that beautiful chick who's grounded and meek. And for the record, an "average" looking woman with a great personality and an awesome spirit can out-shine a "stereotypically" beautiful woman any day! So see Sherri "average" (and I use that term very lightly) women can get fine, hunk-of-chocolate men!
Love, Writing, and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
So, I went to a relationship forum yesterday and the most interesting statement of the night was made in comparison to a water buffalo and a lion. Yes, a water buffalo. One of the panelist explained the biblical passage, Proverbs:18:22, "A man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing" in everyday lingo. Have you ever watched a water buffalo slowly stride its way into the lion's den? As a matter of fact, is the water buffalo knowingly anywhere near the lion? No! So why are women out finding their husbands? Why are the "new day and age" water buffalos out looking for the lions? This would make a hilarious commercial, to see the water buffalo seducing the lion to eat it. The analogy sounds great, makes perfect sense and all that other good stuff but is that common in 2010? Some men love it when women approach them. What about the woman who makes her presence known to a man, is she out of order with nature as well? Is the woman's role really only to prepare herself for her husband and do nothing else but that? Or is there a happy medium to female and male roles in the dating arena? There is a prominent pastoral couple (I'll omit names and location) that I am familiar with and the wife always tells her story of how she met her husband. She noticed him first and assumed that if she didn't make some kind of a move, he would not see her. She then went and stood right outside of the area where he was at, so when he planned to leave that particular area, he would have no choice but to walk past her. I remember her distinctively describing it as how she "positioned" herself.
Ladies and Gents, this post is just a conversation starter, I agree with the panelist, I love being chased *wink* *wink* What do you think about this?
Love, Writing, and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
Irecently came to the conclusion that I was a "serial dater" so I decided to share with you all. I've had an influx of dates in the past month or two which is quite the surprise for me. Some may be cheering me on and others may be saying I'm doing too much. Either way, my dating relationships have come to an abrupt end so it doesn't really matter. As I sat on my computer, doing editing work for my novel, I realized, I'm not really interested in any of the men I'm dating. They're cool, fun, cute and blah blah blah but for some reason, I don't see myself being with any of them. I think some where around the number exchanging and phone conversations, I became a chick that wanted to get to know a person rather than make petty judgements but it appears that my interest level is floating at a steady paste. I sometimes answer my phone, I sometimes return their phone calls. I don't want to date like that. I don't want to be so focused on giving men a chance that I become "too open" ignoring the qualities and characteristics that excite me and interest me in the physical and mental. So yes, I'm starting over but first I must do some evaluating of course. First lesson learned: Do everything with purpose. Random dating is out of the question for me. I know my goals, I know my interest. If ours align, great, if they don't, it was nice meeting you...
So are you a serial dater?
Love, Writing, and Besos!
Your Favorite Author
Demetrius Dudley
Its funny how the majority yells yes, then when they find themselves in the midst of the predicament they’re stunned by their inability to do so. I believe it depends on the situation. For the sake of conversation, lets say this is the person’s first time cheating and never before have they given you a reason to believe they were a “cheater.” Would you still leave or would you try to work it out? For me, the biggest thing with trying to work it out is the loss of trust. Trust is one of the foundational bricks in a relationship—if you’re aiming for a healthy one. Staying with a person that cheated would require you to learn how to trust that person again. Would you question them everyday; or would you develop paranoia about everything that person does? You have to carefully evaluate the situation and who you are as a person because that can very well determine your solution to the problem.
You usually have three personalities: a hard-hearted person, a wise-man, and a fool for love. The hard-hearted person is not only going to leave but they’re most likely going to disassociate themselves from the other party completely; the wise-man will use both their brain and heart to try and come up with the most appropriate remedy to the situation; and the fool for love is going to stay no matter what. I know we all wish we could be the wise-man but the majority of us wind up being either hot or cold: hard-hearted or a fool. Both can pose as a problem when it comes to relationships because relationships are tricky.
Sometimes society applauds the person who leaves when they’ve been cheated on yet leaving isn’t always the best solution. Yes I said it. Leaving is NOT always the best solution. Have you both sat down and had a discussion yet? What was the person’s reason for cheating? Could you have done anything differently? Do you both share the same desires for the relationship? There are tons of questions to be considered during the “aftermath.” If the cheating party is unwilling to communicate, then most likely you should leave. Moving forward requires communication and a revival and if you cant come together for that phase than chances are, the root of the problem has not been taking care of and that person could very well cheat again. Now on to the fool. Being a fool is never cute. The only problem is, the fool rarely recognizes that they are a fool. Whenever there’s a fool in a relationship, its already unhealthy. There is no remedy but for the fool to deal with their issues first before entering into another relationship. Being a fool is the tree that grows from the seed of insecurity. Being insecure about (your body, your face, your weight, your childhood, your job, your economic status, and etc.) will most certainly turn you into a fool and not just in relationships but in all areas of life where communication and companionship is involved.
In my new book titled: Running Back to Love, you get the opportunity to see how women with insecurities handle relationships. Although its fiction, it sheds some light on love gone wrong. To see love gone wrong can help you to recognize when love goes right.
Love, Writing, and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
What's worse???
A man scorned or the sound of someone dragging their nails down a chalk board?
"I'd have to say a man scorned."
You might think it’s cute because it shows how he's in touch with his emotions, but umm what about when he continues to act in this scorned manner?
What about when his insecurities start to get the best of you; or when he constantly makes mention to what his ex-girlfriends have done in the past.
For Example:
"Why didn't you introduce me to your friends? You know that reminds me of my ex, when she didn't want to be with me anymore. She would act as if I wasn't even there when I seen her out with her friends. I mean I'm not trying to compare you two but I'm just saying."
"You sure you're just tired? You wanted to head back to the house awful earlier than usual. Is everything okay? My ex started acting that way right around the time I caught her cheating. She was nervous that she was going to get caught trying to balance me and the other dude. I know you're not her but this situation is bringing up ill feelings."
"Now I know you don't want to hear about my ex anymore but I really want to get this off of my chest. Lately you've been very busy and I can’t help but feel that you might be losing interest in me. She was acting the same way and I just don't want our relationship to end up like my last one."
Scorned, insecure, crazy or whatever you want to call it, it’s just flat out annoying. No one wants to keep hearing about your damn ex. We get it okay. You're not over her. Perhaps you should chill out for a little bit and work on your little situation.
Ladies if you run into a man scorned, do yourself a favor and RUN........
Love, Writing and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
So many points to cover...Should I cover them all??
Oh what the hell--Lets do it!
So they practically depicted an image that it’s better to not be married than to be married. WTH! That's what’s wrong with relationships today. No one values marriage so no one cares to grow towards it. We do everything and I mean everything that looks like a marriage but we don't go through with the ceremony to make it official. In the movie there were two couples that stood out: One that was married and the man ended up cheating on his wife with a woman that he found irresistible on all levels. The other couple was dating for seven years but broke up because the man didn't want to get married. When the woman finally stood her ground and said I'm leaving you because you don't want to marry me, he didn't stop her. Thank goodness for the happy ending where he redeemed himself and asked her to marry him. My point is, they painted a picture that the woman who shacked up with a man for SEVEN yearsended up having the happy ending versus the woman who got married. I'm sure some women are now saying if I just be patient then it can happen. Well yes patience is a very good attribute to have but that doesn't make doing everything that a marriage entails before the actual ceremony a good thing. Hell why should he marry you? The way a man thinks (LOL) is if you're giving me all these things now than does a little piece of paper matter. Well it’s beyond a piece of paper its confirmation. It’s a commitment. You act differently when there is a commitment involved; you invest more; you care more: you pamper it a little more and etc.
Next Point...
Women being so damn Open--Available--Easy!
Call me old school but damn let him chase you an itsy-bit.
(I say an itsy-bit but according to my poll, the men said they like an easy catch so I suggest you find a middle ground)
As a matter of fact I think it’s safe to say just do you. Chill out and let nature take its course. Make yourself available but don't be all desperate. These men claim they like it easy but I think some of them might have the getting to know you stage confused with the sexing you stage; so I'm going to be the voice for the men. In watching my male friends and even with my own experiences I've found that men like it when they actually take the time to get to know you. They tend to let the woman who they got to know very quickly, go very quickly. I think because it appears that the woman is moving too fast.
Now to my last point which are from the words of one of the characters.
"We're so focused on our happy endings that we can't tell the signs
that are in front of our faces"
No need for me to comment on that. It speaks for itself. Every man is not your damn husband as soon as you meet him...Geez! lol
Oh sorry. One last comment. Its a BIG one too... I'm going to write it in red so you don't miss it.
Stop Taking Advice From All Your Girlfriends When They Are Hopelessly Single Too!!!
Love, Writing and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
The word ridiculous could appropriately describe some of the relationships/vibes women have with each other today. While of course this is not the case with all women, it is a common and noticeable factor that is present whether acknowledged or not. As a matter of fact, this “catyness” can typically go unnoticed. A sweet and pleasant woman could indeed have “caty” characteristics.
You and your friends are sitting at a lounge having a good time. In walks a beautiful woman, well dressed and exuberates a great deal of self confidence. Your comment might be, “she thinks she’s all that.” The million dollar question here is: Why can’t she think she’s all that? Is she hurting you? Did she deliberately say I’m the greatest and I’m better than you—absolutely not! She didn’t say a thing but you were thinking those thoughts in your head. What do you expect to come from such negative thoughts? You’re going to treat her like she actually made those comments which in return would cause her to not be so receptive to you. The fact that she might think she’s all that is not always a bad thing. That doesn’t make her the enemy. If we could somehow make our way into an environment where “we” women can ALL think we’re “all that” and give the woman you encounter her props for thinking the same thing then we just might get further in life. The fact of the matter for this case would be: do not let another woman with a positive humble attitude or a cocky rude attitude dictate a negative response from you.
Now on another note, the woman who walks in the room deserves some advice as well. Are you walking in the room with a self confident yet humble spirit and are being misunderstood or are you walking in the room like, “bitches look at me!”
"I walked in the room, head held high. I knew she was my competition and I was determined to change her status to the level of an underdog"
"I know why she's staring... My measurements paired with my skin complexion equals perfection. If she were a skunk her scent would be envy"
Be honest with yourself. Is this you? Are you thinking these thoughts in your head? If so, get real; get a life or get a hobby. The attitude is so unnecessary. It would appear that you were creating thoughts in your head very much similar to the group of women that were previously mentioned. You’ve painted a picture of what you think they’re saying and thinking. It’s okay, actually it’s recommended to have a great deal of confidence. But be mindful not to confuse confidence with cockiness.
Women today are fighting too many battles. We have other things to fight and should be fighting for those causes together. Such things as, making men step up to their God given plate and be men; not being discriminated against at work by way of salary and position. How can we collectively fight these battles when we’re too busy fighting our selves. Wouldn’t it be strange to see two armies on their way to the battle field yet one side is duking it out amongst each other before the battle can even begin?
A lifelong mindset might take some time to change but the first step is always remembered upon entering into success. Next time you’re on either side, the woman walking in the room or the group of women in a room, smile at each other and find one thing positive to say.
Love, Writing and Besos!
Your Favorite Author,
Demetrius Dudley
